Growing up in a world that tells us that being LGBTQIA+ is wrong, it can be hard not to internalise a sense of shame. 

The world we live in is heteronormative and cisnormative. In other words, the media, culture, and institutions around us often focus on straight and cis experiences.

For queer and trans people, this can create a feeling that something about us is ”wrong” or “bad”.

As a queer therapist, shame is one of the most common issues I encounter working with LGBTQIA+ people from all walks of life. 

This is partly why Voda, the mental wellbeing app for LGBTQIA+ folks, exists: because we recognise the mental health impact of queer shame, and we believe no one should carry that alone. 

Understanding the root of this shame, and learning how to let it go, can form an important part of your therapeutic journey. 

In this article, we’ll explore what shame is – and when it becomes “toxic shame” – and how it impacts LGBTQIA+ people in particular. 

Plus, we’ll offer some tips from Voda’s queer therapists on how to process and heal from shame. 

Note: Some might find this page upsetting to read. If you notice that you’re becoming distressed or uncomfortable, it’s okay to pause and take a break at any time. 

If you’d like to talk about any thoughts or feelings this topic raises for you, the LGBTQ+ helpline Switchboard is free to contact: 0800 0119100. There are more resources at the bottom of this page.

What is shame?

Shame is a powerful emotion that tells you that there is something wrong with you. 

It can be a very intense and uncomfortable feeling. Sometimes, so much so that we might suppress it or push it away. 

Some experts believe that shame begins as a helpful adaptation in childhood: we might learn to feel shame as a way to try to protect our relationships with our caregivers. You could think of it like a survival instinct.

But shame can become particularly difficult, or even "toxic", when it persists for a long time, and attaches itself to a core part of who you are. 

No one should have to feel ashamed of their identity, their needs, or their bodies. 

What is the difference between guilt and shame?

Guilt and shame are often mixed up with one another. They’re two very similar emotions, but there’s an important difference between them. 

• Guilt is the feeling of regretting and being very sorry for something you have done or not done. It often appears as a consequence when you’ve acted in contradiction with your own values.
• Shame is a sense that something about you is wrong. It’s not “I did something bad”; it’s “I’m a bad person”.

The famous shame researcher Brené Brown puts it like this: “Guilt is adaptive and helpful – it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort.”

But shame is an “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”

What is “toxic shame”?

Many of us have experienced shame at some point or another in life. 

It could have been attached to a time when you felt really low, or experienced something really difficult.

But when shame is deeply ingrained and long-lasting, some call this toxic shame.

Some people may have grown up in environments where they were taught to feel badly about themselves from when they were very young. 

This could have been communicated through teasing or name-calling, punishments, emotional neglect, or abuse. 

These shame-inducing early childhood experiences can stay with us long into the future. 

As LGBTQIA+ people, we might be especially vulnerable to toxic shame – because whatever was going on in our own lives was also compounded by negative messages from the outside world, too. 

Living in a homophobic and transphobic world, we face stigma and discrimination from a young age. 

What is chronic shame?

Similar to the idea of toxic shame, chronic shame describes shame that does not go away. 

A person might feel chronic, ongoing shame because they’ve experienced multiple shaming events over a long period of time. 

This leads them to carry shame around with them for many years. 

The good news is that no matter how long you’ve felt shame, there is always hope that you can find a way through it. 

Shame tells you that you are “broken”. But you’re never truly broken – and you deserve to feel whole. Keep reading for more on coping with, and letting go of, shame. 

What causes shame?

Shame can take root for many different reasons.

Some of the most common include:

• Parents or family: Growing up, you might absorb harmful messages from your family, particularly if they are critical, abusive, or neglectful towards you. 
• Bullying or being ostracised: Victims of bullying might feel on some level that the abuse they experienced was their fault, even though it was not. 
• Oppression and discrimination: You may feel shame as a result of living in a society that discriminates against you because of your race, disability, gender, sexuality, or any other identity characteristic. 
• Experiences of abandonment or rejection: These traumatic experiences can leave you wondering, “Why me?” Without the right support, this could develop into a sense of shame. 
• Other traumatic experiences: Shame can develop as a trauma response – a way to make sense of something really painful that has happened to you. 

This is not an exhaustive list – it is just a few examples of where shame might stem from. You might recognise one, some, all, or even none of these points. 

However your shame began, it is a heavy and difficult emotion to carry. 

Remember, if reading this feels upsetting, it’s okay to take a break for self-care. You might want to take a walk, write in your journal, or call a friend.

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What does shame feel like?

Shame is similar to guilt, humiliation, or embarrassment – but it’s often deeper and even more painful than these emotions. 

Often, feeling ashamed comes with an instinct to hide. You may want to hide something you’ve done, a part of yourself, or even just generally hide away from the world. 

If you’re experiencing shame, you might also notice that you:

• Feel unworthy, unlovable, or small. 
• Have a critical inner voice that says cruel things to you. 
• Have perfectionist tendencies – you hold yourself to very high standards.
• Judge yourself harshly when you don’t meet your own standards, or standards that are placed on you. 
• Worry about what others might think of you or say about you. 
• Hold other people at arm’s length emotionally, and feel afraid of getting closer.
• Become embarrassed or humiliated easily. 
• Feel unable to be your authentic self. 

Many people who experience shame might also experience addiction, physical health problems, and/or difficulties in relationships. 

LGBTQIA+ people might experience any of the above, plus:

• Feeling the need to hide your identity. 
• Feelings of discomfort around others who overtly express their LGBTQIA+ identities. 
• Performing a hyper-masculine or hyper-feminine role, or trying hard to disguise non-gender-conforming traits. 
• Expressing homophobic or transphobic views, or not challenging them in others. 

If you recognise any of these behaviours, try not to judge yourself for them. 

Shame is a very powerful emotion, and we all find our own ways of trying to navigate and survive it. 

When it comes to letting go of shame, shaming yourself more is not the way forward. It will only make you feel more trapped, in a “shame spiral”.

Instead, it’s time to investigate and understand the roots of shame, and embrace self-compassion. 

Queer shame: Why does shame impact LGBTQ+ people?

LGBTQIA+ people are more vulnerable to shame because we exist in a world that is built around straight and cis experiences. We’re often made to feel like the “other”.

Research by the LGBT+ young people’s charity Just Like Us in 2023 found that 70% of young LGBTQ+ adults reported feeling shame about their identities. 

Growing up queer or trans, we might have received messages that who we are attracted to is immoral, or that our gender identity is not valid. 

These messages could have been explicitly said to us, or implied through behaviours, actions, or more subtle messaging.

It could be that you were bullied in school for the way you looked, spoke, or dressed. Some of us might’ve been told to “man up”, or urged to act more feminine.

Or maybe you absorbed bigoted comments that you heard adults making about a same-sex couple who lived in your neighbourhood. 

Or perhaps you simply never really saw queer or trans experiences represented in a positive light.

These experiences can add up to a pervasive sense of shame, and a struggle to accept who we really are. 

This can cause us to repress our sexuality or hide our true gender identity. We might be afraid to express ourselves in authentic ways, because we’re afraid of being judged – and because we’re judging ourselves.

If you recognise this, remember: it’s not your fault. And you’re not alone in feeling this way. 

Therapy, community, and self-care can all support you on your journey to healing from queer shame. 

Below, Voda’s queer therapists offer their tips on taking your first steps on the journey of processing shame. 

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How to heal from queer shame: Three tips from LGBTQ+ therapists

Getting over shame might be a long and winding journey. It is unlikely to happen overnight. 

You might feel frustrated at some points in your journey, as some parts of you let go of self-judgement, but other parts still feel ashamed. 

For example, you might know in your mind that it’s okay to be LGBTQIA+ – but still feel a fight-or-flight response in your body when you’re in a very straight or gendered space. 

Whatever your journey looks like, it’s okay. The most important thing is learning to offer yourself gentleness and kindness.

As you develop the skill of self-compassion, you’ll find that even when shame is present, you can speak kindly to yourself and accept the shame without judgement. 

This acceptance may help to gradually lessen shame over time. 

1. Build self-awareness: Understand the roots of shame

Part of letting go of shame is understanding where it came from in the first place, and how it impacts us. 

You could work towards these insights with a therapist, through journaling, and even using the reflective space of Voda. 

You might explore questions or prompts such as:

• Who taught me to feel ashamed about who I am?
• When I feel ashamed, what does the voice in my head say to me? Whose voice is that?
• How do I feel when I am around other LGBTQIA+ people?
• If I feel uncomfortable in queer spaces, where is that feeling coming from?
• If I feel uncomfortable in straight spaces, where is that feeling coming from?

Take your time to sit with these questions – don’t rush through them. 

Your answers might shift and evolve on different days. 

It might feel tough to answer some of them – that’s okay. You can take this at your own pace, and return to the questions later. 

2. Move towards self-acceptance: It’s okay to be you

The truth is that there is nothing inherently wrong with being queer or trans.

Rationally, we might know this, but emotionally, this might be harder for many of us to grasp.

Spending time in the company of others who accept us can be helpful in learning to accept ourselves. 

Therapy with an LGBTQ-affirmative therapist can be an important step.

So can finding community with other queer and trans folks, whether online or offline. 

At the bottom of this page are some ideas for where to find LGBTQ-affirmative support and groups. 

Building your chosen family can be an important step in releasing shame. 

3. Nurture self-compassion: Show yourself kindness

Self-compassion is a powerful antidote to shame. But those of us who feel shame may not be used to showing it. 

In fact, self-compassion could even feel threatening – it might challenge the very protective strategies, like harsh self-criticism or perfectionism, that we’ve learned to use to cope with shame. 

But self-compassion is a muscle, and like any muscle, we have to regularly exercise it to build it. 

You could start with Voda’s Practices and Insights rooted in Compassion-Focused Therapy: five-minute self-guided exercises designed to support you on your journey to self-kindness. 

These include activities like writing a kind letter to yourself, or trying a loving-kindness meditation. 

You could also read books such as Self Compassion by Dr Kristin Neff, and Unlearning Shame by Dr Devon Price. 

Build self-compassion and release shame with Voda

Voda’s self-care tools are written and reviewed by LGBTQ+ therapists who truly understand the impact of living with queer shame. 

Try exercises informed by Compassion-Focused Therapy, Narrative Therapy, and Mindfulness as you navigate coping with shame. 

Download Voda via Google Play and on the App Store. 

Get more support for letting go of queer shame

Below are some ideas for more ways to find community and support as you begin your journey to unlearn queer shame. 

Remember, if you’re worried about your mental health, you can also talk to your GP, or refer yourself to NHS talking therapies. If you don’t feel safe, call 111 or visit your local A&E. 

• Find an LGBTQ+ affirming therapist. Pink Therapy holds a directory of therapists who specialise in working with gender, sexual and relationship diverse clients. Find out more about how to find an LGBTQ-affirmative therapist.
• Speak to LGBTQ+ affirming helplines. Options include Switchboard (available 10am-10pm: 0800 0119 100), the LGBT Foundation (available Monday to Friday: 0345 330 30 30) and Mindline Trans+ (available Friday evenings: 0300 330 5468).
• Find local or online support groups. You could start by checking out Gendered Intelligence, a trans-led organisation offering online and offline support groups, and TransUnite, an organisation helping trans+ people find support groups locally. Meetup and OutSavvy are also good resources for finding community and events near you.