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Friendship is a vital building block of life for many of us. But for some – LGBTQ+ people especially – it’s not just friendship, but chosen family.
Chosen families might be the people we rely on during the toughest times, and the people we celebrate milestones with.
We may not have genes or surnames or legal family ties in common – but we know we have a bond that runs deeper than that.
For queer and trans folks, chosen family carries a particular importance: many of us face misunderstanding, estrangement, or even outright harm from our families of origin.
When it comes to really feeling seen and held, we may be more likely to turn to our non-biological families: the people who cherish the whole of us, for who we really are.
If the subject of family feels tough right now, or you’re still looking for your LGBTQ+ community, reading this page may bring up some sadness or feelings of isolation.
Know that you’re not alone in this – and those feelings are completely valid. If you need to stop reading at any point, that’s okay. Take care of yourself.
Remember that building a community takes time, and many LGBTQ+ people have faced loneliness at some point in their journey.
On this page, find out more about the definition of chosen family, why it matters, and some ideas for how to find queer and trans friends near you.
What is a chosen family?
A chosen family is, as the name suggests, the family you choose.
Your chosen family might be an extension of the family you were born or adopted into – or they might be the people you form familial bonds with to replace a family you’re no longer connected with.
What makes it a family, that goes beyond friendship? Chosen family looks different for everyone, but it could mean bonds that include:
- Mutual aid and support.
- Rituals.
- Shared values.
- Living or homemaking together.
- Unconditional love.
The phrase “chosen family” was popularised by academic Kath Weston, who wrote the book Families We Choose: Lesbians, Gays, Kinship in 1991.
In the book, Weston, an anthropologist, studies queer communities in San Francisco in the late 1980s, against the backdrop of the HIV/AIDS crisis.
She argues that chosen family is the lens through which we can understand “how lesbians and gay men experience otherness and negotiate their relationship to the outside world”.
Why chosen family matters in the LGBTQ+ community
Of course, chosen family isn’t only a queer concept. You can be cis or straight and build important familial bonds with people outside of your biological or adoptive family.
But there’s a reason that the concept emerges from queer studies, and is so resonant for our community.
For many queer and trans people, acceptance in our families of origin can be complicated.
We might feel that we can’t be fully seen or held by our relatives for who we truly are.
We might even experience rejection, estrangement, neglect, or abuse as a reaction to our identities.
Research from the LGBT+ young people’s charity Just Like Us found that almost half (46%) of LGBTQ+ people are estranged from at least one family member.
These experiences are deeply wounding. It makes sense that when family in the normative, nuclear sense of the word brings us pain, we’d seek out communities of our own that are nurturing, accepting, and safe.
Examples of chosen family can be seen throughout queer history: from the ballroom houses of New York in the 1970s and 1980s, to the mutual aid groups that supported each other through the AIDS epidemic worldwide.
What are the mental health benefits of having a chosen family?
Research shows that chosen families are important sources of care, support, and resilience for queer and trans youth, and for LGBTQ+ refugees.
Peer relationships have been shown to be really important for LGBTQ+ wellbeing and development in a number of academic studies.
But we don’t need research to tell us this – it’s common wisdom among the queer community that supportive friendships are vital to helping us thrive.
You’ll see it reflected in almost any queer media, from Pose to The L Word to It’s a Sin.
Chosen families can keep us safe. According to a survey by The Trevor Project of LGBTQ+ youth in the US, young people who live in very accepting communities made attempts to end their lives at less than half the rate of those living in very unaccepting communities.
One LGBTQ+ young person who responded to the survey summed it up perfectly:
“It is the most rewarding experience to live surrounded by people who love you for your whole, true self.”
How to find queer community
You might have found your way to this page because you’re wondering how to find your own chosen family – and if so, you’re welcome here.
At some point or another, many LGBTQ+ people face loneliness, and seek to build connection with other queer and trans folks.
When you don’t have that community around you, it can feel isolating. But know that you’re not the only one to feel this way.
Building a chosen family might start with seeking out LGBTQ+ groups and community events in your area.
If in-person events aren’t accessible or available to you, or if that just doesn’t feel comfortable, you could also try making connections online.
You might seek out queer friends in digital spaces like gaming, forums, or online support groups.
Below, we’ve put together some starting points for finding friends and LGBTQ+ community in your area.
How to meet other queer people near you
To find friends in your area, try looking for meet-ups, support groups, and events that welcome LGBTQ+ folks who are seeking community.
- MeetUp is a good place to start – you can search for LGBTQ+ groups local to you. There are options for groups formed around lots of different hobbies, such as music, books, or gaming – and online options too.
- OutSavvy is an events platform that lists events specifically for the LGBTQ+ community. Again, you can filter the search to your local area.
- Consortium is the UK’s largest network of LGBT+ groups and communities. You can search their directory and calendar for events near you.
- Local LGBTQ+ venues: Search for community centres, bookshops, coffee shops, and bars in your area that cater specifically to LGBTQ+ folks. In London, for example, the LGBTQ+ Community Centre runs lots of free events and support groups for those looking for community.
- Friend and dating apps: You can set your preferences on dating apps to meet other LGBTQ+ people in your area, and apps like Bumble For Friends are specifically for making platonic connections.
How to meet other trans people near you
As a trans+ person looking to make friends, you can also make use of all the options listed above, including OutSavvy and MeetUp.
Here are some other, trans-specific resources:
- TransUnite: Organisation helping trans+ people find support groups locally.
- Gendered Intelligence: A trans-led organisation offering support groups both online and in-person in London.
- Spectra: Another organisation offering trans-led social groups both online and in-person in London.
- Not a Phase: Nationwide charity offering free yoga, swimming, and other fitness classes for the trans+ community. See their upcoming events here.
Get support for loneliness
We all get lonely sometimes, but it can be a heavy emotion to carry – remember you don’t have to hold it alone.
If you’re struggling, consider reaching out to one of these sources of support:
- Switchboard: The LGBTQIA+ helpline, available 10am-10pm every day: 0800 0119 100.
- LGBT Foundation: National charity for LGBTQ+ health, with a helpline open Monday to Friday: 0345 330 30 30.
You might also think about finding an LGBTQ-affirmative therapist.
And remember, if you’re worried about keeping yourself safe, it’s always an option to call NHS 111, or speak with your GP. You deserve support and care.
Practise self-care with Voda
Self-care is no replacement for community or chosen family – but it’s just as important.
Voda is the daily wellbeing app that’s built by the LGBTQ+ community, for the LGBTQ+ community.
Explore bitesize, 5-minute practices to support with building emotion regulation, resilience, and self-compassion – all through a queer lens.
